[Phil]

Here is something i stumbled across on my travels... may it bring you a mere 5 minutes of excitement!  

 

[Phil]

well actually i cant find the txt file for you to download... so i will just copy and paste it.... about..... here!

1. Reebok Classics:
You cannot claim any townie status without these. Must be gleaming white, gold stripes are best down to yellow or orange which are considered a bit pikey by the Townie hierarchy.
 
2. Tight dark blue levi's or designer jeans:
A must for that casual townie look, put them as tight up your ass crack as possible for extra points. Discard them after 3 washes as they will be too faded.
 
3. Gold jewellery:
Quality doesn't matter here, what counts is size and quantity, the bigger your jewellery the more of a townie you are.
 
4. Pukka Motor:
Any chunk of shit will do as long as the wheels cost more then 1000 pounds and the stereo is so loud people experience a sonic boom when you drive past. Add a sticker saying "Mission aborted, gone for a spliff" just to show you're tough enough to smoke weed, as well as "A bit of a nutter".
 
5. Football Knowledge:
Read every piece of shit you can find about football and memorise it word for word. Then next time you're down the pub, spout it out like you're Jimmy fucking Hill making sure that everyone can hear you and know what a townie you truly are.
 
6. Lying Skills:
What ever happened to you the night before always double it to increase your townieness. For example if you drank 8 pints tell everyone you drank 16, if you had a little disagreement with a small man at the bar, tell everyone you had a huge fight with 2 massive geezers etc. etc. (also never admit to puking up or losing control in any way whilst drunk or you will be classed as a MUG).
 
7. Ability to act "hard":
Even if you are a weed who is shit scared of everyone, when you are with 20 of your biggest mates you can shout at people who are on their own, try to pick people who wont say anything clever, old people seem to be a popular choice. (remember to stop this act when you are alone or you will be beaten shitless).
 
8. Strut:
Although you are probably very insecure (usually penis size or sexuality) develop a walk which says "I'm the don, and I mean fucking business". The more threatened/insecure you feel the more you should exaggerate your style.
 
9. Shoes:
Wear slip on shoes with big buckles as these are essential to getting into night clubs.
 
10. Shirts:
Try to wear a smart shirt at all times, pastels, bright orange or lime green are favourite colours, fake designer labels to aim for are Ralph Lauren, Versace, Calvin Klein.
 
11. Finally:
Any music with real instruments should be described as "heavy metal shit" whilst out with your mates (even though you cant wait to get home to listen to the shitty new OASIS album). The gayer and more irritating the vocals the better it is, although once it gets in the charts you must stop listening to it, but every time it comes on claim that you had it on import or white label 3 years ago. Also if you can blag that your a DJ  you'll score a lot of extra geezer points.
 
12. Have the ability to slurp up fluid from your throat and spit it out in a liquid/solid formation onto the floor. Then find another townie to compete with you in your "biggest flob" competition. The girl townies will particularly enjoy this.
 
13. If you are a TiT (townie in training) then you are under 16. As you know this, you have special rules. You can splurt out insults at anyone over 16 as you know they will get done by the police if they react as you are classed a minor. You can pursue this wherever you go.
 
14. Concentrate on your repressed sexuality when insulting people. If someone is not a townie, makes sure you refer to them as homosexual. Example: *Man walks along street doing nothing and townie spots him* "You're gay! You fucking homo fag!".
 
15: If you are a female TiT, and you aren't pregnant, then you are unacceptable. What you have to do is find some 22 year old townie/boy racer who will impregnant you on the back seat of his car. Once pregnant, go and buy as many low cut tight croptops as possible. Then proceed to wear nothing but miniskirts and tight tops right until you drop. This will enable all non-townies to notice how horrid you look. Once you have your baby you need to follow three special points:
 
a) Try and sell your story to a national newspaper. Perhaps suggest the guy raped you? Or that the condom split? If the newspaper rejects this, then simply claim that you shagged a footballer or popstar.
 
Try and up your image. By this, you have to revert to less tight gear and more trackies and big shiny hooped gold earings. Perhaps give yourself a new skanky haircut to keep the image going.
 
c) Find another townie and spend all your daytimes walking around town with second hand pass-me-down prams
 

[Scaryfatmaniffer]

Like it mate - though I am unsure as to the significance.

Rules of being an LT player however might be good.

1: costume - either very flash and expensive bought from someone who is honestly descended from a bespoke tailor of Henry VIII or does reenactment with rhodium tipped weapons in Bavaria - or alternatively so covered in crap that you can make up all sorts of bizarre and inane tales as to how it got that way. "well siegfried it was as expensive as yours before I wore it for seven weeks bivvying with the SAS on the Brecon Beacons and then lending it to a roleplayer at a Jackals event last winter on the Shetlands who was dying of Dysentry".

2: Items (magical etc.) - The bigger the flasher the better - but remember no more than 5 at once or the refs may ask if you mind if YOU smoke. However this new rule is great as it allows you to tell everyone how you agonised for weeks as to which 23 items would have to be left at home for this year's gathering.
If the item is evil, cursed or gives you an excuse to talk like Donald Duck so much the better.

3: Character - be a twat or if not at least a cat or a ferret or some other bizarre beast kin that you have absolutely no chance of playing convincingly. Regardless of appropriateness choose body dev and mage 3 (if you can get it).

4: System knowledge - bamboozle newbies with bullshit as much as possible. Most LT players will be far more impressed with your knowledge of a bizarre rule that no one ever needs than they ever will be with your ability to roleplay. In fact if you rolepay well most will not understand you and think that you are having a wobbly (OOC) or that your grandma has died.

5: Lie like a bastard - no one ever wants to hear the truth at LT so explain in graphic detail how you stood alone aginst the whole Lions faction for ten minutes allowing the Faction leader to escape and live. That you were cut own and were only healed because you are a close personal friend of master healer.

6: Don't take hits - Obviously these weapons are made of foam and latex so hits from them do not count - simple really!!

7: Acting tough - can be tricky in such a testerone fuelled environment where you are facing down your foes with nothing more than a rubber sword. Therefore shout - the more angry and the more violent you are the louder your voice will need to be. Get a megaphone if necessary - no one will notice that it is out of character - most won't notice what in character is anyway.

8: Insult other people's kit (weapons, costume, girlfriend etc.) but do it in a subtle way that makes out that whilst theres may be good yours is better. If necessary and you don't have a girlfriend cut a photo of an unknown model from a glossy m,agazine and keep it in your wallet and tell people that it is your girlfriend - they may believe you.

9: Drink like a fish - after all seventeen pints of Angus MCtwattum's foul mead are obviously a great aid to good roleplaying. Whilst drinking such undrinkable and unpronounceable concoctions it need not be said to insult others that come with a whisky that you have actually heard of.

10: If you are a female get laid - but keep the others hanging from your arse like lapdogs. Aways have at least 4D6 suitors (rerolling any ones twos or threes) and get the most from all of them. The ratio is so good at these events that if you wear the right costume even if you look like a hag dragged through acid - lack of crumpet, too much beer and testerone will guarantee that 90% of males fancy you. Those that don't insult - see previous entries as to how!

[mattd]

How to Achieve High Rank in LT:

Step 1: Obviously, suck up to someone high in your faction. How are you going to get good if you can't leech other's glory?

Step 2: You heard about this new thing called power gaming? It's where you take ridiculously out of character skills and buy them because, fuck man, it makes you powerful! Easy to win with! It's not like you have to roleplay the character anyway..

Step 3: Speaking of not roleplaying, make sure all your characters are identical. That way, if you die, you can come back as "another character" but everyone will recognise you and defer to you!

Step 4: Don't take hits. If you do, you may die, and you can't have rank when you're dead. Unless you're high enough rank to wangle some shitty plot and come back as undead. You shouldn't have died anyway if they have to do that, it was obviously some cheating noob and their 4,000 viper mates all mugging you at once that led to your demise...

Step 5: No-one will make you high ranking if they think you're a pussy. Therefore, you have to be hard. But if you're not, what can you do, oh ambitious one? You can bullshit, that's what. No-one wants to hear about skeletons. They want to know about your epic battles with Death Knights and Lich Kings. Why have a goblin when you could have an ogre?

Step 6: Make sure that once you have power, you give all the other power to your group. That way, your group can be in power for all eternity, and you could even hold more than one position at once if you juggle characters effectively!

Finally, Step 7: Remember - you're the reason this faction is where it is today. Make sure you abuse your power with ridiculous shows of twatishness, going against common faction opinion and generally STAMPING DOWN ON THOSE NOOBS. Bastard rank ones can't know the pressure, the stress!

*ahem*

I really oughta go to bed. It's nearly 4am, lectures at 10. Fuck it.

[alex]

Hmmm... top ten things to do in Derrarkshire.

1. If someone says quite emphatically "To go and fight that monster will surely result in your death" this is a sure sign that you and the local baker, a few farmers and D6 True Faith priests with nothing better to do should go looking for said monster.

2. Sieve the wine carefully, or just learn to get used to alchaholic beverages that are chewy.

3. Drink copious ammounts of afforementioned wine, especially if it is made of these ingredients: Potato, Tea, "Mixed Fruit?",Piss, Walnut.

4. Ply Mistress Agnes either rum, or some other liquid... This will innevitably result in her "scrying". Why she does this so often is a mystery to us...

5. Father Jarvis.

6. Try and avoid travelling anywhere at any time, 80% of Derrarkshire's working population list their proffession as "Outlaw/Bandit" and you will certainly meet at least 6 or 7 of them on any given journey.

7. Play a half ogre. Or a half orc. Or a half nelson, it really doesnt matter as long as you have enough hit points to withstand the detonation of a small thermo-nuclear device.

8. Be Rob Jarvis. This will certainly lead to you being killed when everyone else gets bored/drunk. It is also bliss.

9. Have people fire biros at your naked ass.

10. Get involved in the Wolf Man's willy, this way you can share in Leanne/Sam/Chris/Father Jarvis' bodily fluids.  

[Scaryfatmaniffer]

Superb mein heir - I have created a monster !!